So I had been craving cookies and cream ice cream lately. It's not even my favorite ice cream but I sure have been craving it. So I went out and got Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches and Publix Splenda cookies and cream ice cream. They didn't even last a week and I still had my cravings. I was running around the Boardwalk the other day and I just had negative thoughts running through my head. I'm not sure why because things were going great. I had lost 4.6 lbs at my last weigh in and I was running everyday. I think I was just getting kinda down on myself as to how I look. I can see myself in the reflection of the store windows and I feel like an oxymoron, a fat girl running. So as I'm running, I see this man and he has a triple scoop cone of... you guessed it... cookies and cream ice cream. I seriously had a thought in my mind about how easy it would be to just stop my run and go in the ice cream shop and get some deliciously cold ice cream. At that point I was sweating, out of breath, my heart was pounding, and I had a stitch on my side. I could stop all of that pain and go in and get ice cream. I really thought about it. I don't know what made me keep going but I did. I finished my run. I think it's because I just want to be healthy so badly. Also because I would much rather say "Oh I just went for a 25-minute run" instead of "Oh well, I started my run but then I got a triple scoop ice cream cone so I didn't finish my run." I like being proud of what I do and eat. So I kept going.
But one thing I did learn from that run is that I think I need to give myself a little bit of a cheat. I have been so incredibly strict with everything I eat. I barely go in to my weekly points if at all. And I think the substitutes like low fat ice cream and black bean brownies have only got me so far. So I decided that I would go easy on myself this weekend. (My weekend is Tues/Wed.) Monday was Valentine's Day and I surprised Kyle with 2 nights at Animal Kingdom Lodge. I decided that I would treat both of us to Papa John's pizza for dinner. I ordered a pepperoni pizza and garlic breadsticks. I indulged and had 3 slices of pizza, 2 breadsticks, and used cheese dipping sauce and the garlic dipping sauce. I felt incredibly full afterwards. I felt like I wanted to stick my finger down my throat and throw up. Not cause I was mad I ate all those points but because I just felt so uncomfortably full. So I went to sleep that night before tracking my points... I'll do it in the morning.
Well the next morning I wake up and Kyle and I went downstairs to Boma for breakfast. I was nervous that the cheat the night before would creep to the next day and then the next and then I would lose control as to when to end my cheats. But I did really well! I had an egg white omelette filled with veggies, a plate full of fruit, and just a small serving of potatoes. It was delicious and a 5 Point breakfast. I was glad to be back on track and it was nice to feel satisfied instead of stuffed.
So we went back to the room and I started to track what I ate the night before. O...M...G.... I honestly just about had a heart attack when I saw what I had done to myself. 73 Points... I ate 73 Points on Monday... I broke down hardcore. It was bad. Poor Kyle had to deal with me but he's so wonderful and tried to talk to me and tell me that I'll move on from it. The kicker was the pizza. Each slice was 9 points! Wow!
Today's Wednesday and I'm doing much better now. I did what I did. I ate what I ate. I'll move on. I don't regret anything. I think I really needed this weekend to show myself that I don't want to be the way that I was. I'm so happy being healthy. It was nice visiting old Eileen but I'm so over her. I've moved on.
I also realized that just because I don't lose this week doesn't mean I won't ever get there. I'll lose next week. There is not a time line on my weight loss. I will get there. There is no doubt. In Monday's meeting, I weighed in and I gained 0.2. I took it in stride because I lost 4.6 the week before. That's a huge loss for week 21 and I think it was too much so my body was just regulating. I'm hoping to lose next week but I understand how poorly I ate and that might affect me. But it's okay. There's always next week. I am 0.6 lbs away from losing 50 pounds and I will get there.
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